When Children Lie: What They’re Really Trying to Tell Us

“Don’t lie to me!” — we’ve all said it at least once.
But do children really understand what lying is?

When “It wasn’t me!” isn’t about deception

When a young child says, “It wasn’t me, it was the cat,” it’s rarely about wanting to deceive.
More often, it’s about wanting to feel safe — to avoid making us angry or to protect that precious connection with us.

Before the age of 5 or 6, most children don’t yet distinguish between truth, imagination, and what they wish were true.
They live in a world where stories, fears, and emotions intertwine.

As they grow, their understanding evolves

With time, children begin to develop a sense of others’ thoughts and perspectives.
That’s when they start realising they can influence what others think — and that’s when the first “real” lies may appear.

But even then, it’s not about manipulation.
It’s about self-protection.

From fear to trust

So instead of asking “Why did you lie?”, try gently asking:
👉 “Were you afraid to tell me the truth?”
👉 “Did you think I’d be upset?”
👉 “What could we do differently next time?”

Honesty doesn’t grow out of fear — it grows out of trust and feeling safe enough to tell the truth.